Let This Feeling Go

We’ve all been there. Those times when everything feels out of control, and we shove our frustrations and feelings down deep in the service of making it through another day. But what happens when there’s no more room to shove and we’re primed to explode?

It was the tail end of COVID. Things were feeling a bit stale. Whenever I could get away I would go up to this isolated cabin on an island in the woods north of Toronto. After one of these trips I was driving back and Sinnerman by Nina Simone came on. As I drove past forests and trees a whole film imprinted itself into my mind so clearly and viscerally that my north star through the making of this film was to just capture what I felt during that drive home. It was such a complete explosion of feelings, desires, and pure expression, it was one of those things where you have no choice but to follow through.

Are there any other Directors or films you studied as you prepared for this project?

From the outset I wanted to take the graphicness of Paweł Pawlikowski’s Cold War and Ida with the pure fluid energy of Steve McQueen’s Lover’s Rock. I love juxtaposing ideas in this sort of way. These films all have deep emotions boiling right under the skin of the films and their characters that sometimes seep through the pores or blow the lid off the top.

Did you face any creative challenges during the development of the film? If so, how did you overcome them?

There were the more obvious obstacles like shooting during COVID in tight locations, but the two real challenges were building the film with the track in mind and finding our star. The whole film was intended from the start to be a one woman show in the likeness of a Frances Ha or Cleo From 5 to 7. So finding Naika Touissant was such a relief because she had the innate ability to seem still yet ready to explode.

What prompted you to choose 65mm for the format, and how did that play out?

I love to try new things out and experiment with different tools. Film is a must for me on my own films. I’ve shot on it many times now and aside from all the technical arguments of film vs digital, I love the magic of having to wait for dailies and letting the randomness of an organic chemical process affect the image. Shooting on 65mm film was a way to mix intimacy with grandness, making a close up of a face as powerful and “large” as possible. Smashing two contrasting approaches together. We shot on the Fries Mitchell 65mm film camera and that thing is an emotionally sensitive monster. It will yell at you. Rip through film like nothing I’ve seen. Make strange noises. And it’s a real heavy boy… I loved it.

Were there any moments during shooting that stand out in your memory?

It was an intense quick shoot that went by in the blink of an eye. Working with Naika the whole time was the standout because we got to play and explore deeper emotions, sometimes more surreal abstract thoughts, and I always love following that rabbit hole down down down and seeing where it will take us.

How did the story evolve between the initial conception and the final film?

There was a big change from the initial concept to the final film that was a new experience for me. The initial pitch of the film was about a young woman desperately needing to express herself while exploring the desire to be together again with people. Through the making of the film it became solely a one woman’s journey following her self-expression. That shift in the core idea changed the film ultimately for the better but it was quite a challenging edit to get right.

Did you encounter any surprises in the editing process that required a creative solution?

This edit was quite challenging because once the film changed to a purely solitary journey following this one woman it was less about trying to force it into something and more about listening to where it naturally needed to land. At this point my editor, Michael Barker, and I have a pretty solid relationship where I swear he can read my thoughts and even understands my half-mumbled sounds. We always explore and try things out. Even if we’re happy I try to see if there are any gut instincts or feelings worth chasing. So Michael and I kept sculpting until we found the more surreal and abstract tone that we knew this needed to have. That took some time to get right.

You had a strong vision for the music and sound design for this film. How did you approach that process?

I love sound design. Full stop. I try to use sound the same way you use cuts. It’s there from the beginning as a motivator to what comes next instead of just something to think about later. Constructing the sound and the use of Sinnerman was always about reaching a huge explosion of catharsis. What does it feel like from this person’s perspective and how is that experience skewed by what she is feeling? The song itself is there under the surface coming in and out.

Do you have any favorite moments in the final film?

That last shot on Naika, her expression, her eyes, that’s my favorite moment. The whole thing is about building up to that final shot like a crazy out of control train that finally slows to its destination. It’s one of those things where it’s exactly what was felt from the moment you got hit with the conception of the film.

What do you hope to accomplish with this film?

I think every film I do I am hoping for the same thing – for someone to relate to it, or understand it, or bring some view to it that I hadn’t even seen. I’ve spent a lot of time considering it but for me personally, what I make tends to be what I’m grappling with in life at that moment. It’s very much about unpacking a core feeling. Trying to understand reality and my place in it a bit more. So if someone is able to share that experience with me, I’m into that. Out of everything I’ve done I would say this film is perhaps the most personal as it’s very much my experience of the world.